Roadrunner

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STILLBORN. TOILET-BABY. MISCARRIAGE. AN ABORTION.

Oh, my GOD does this suck...

Seriously. No one -- I mean NO ONE -- is more depressed about this than this reviewer.

I've seen The Cult 17 times from back-in-the-day ("Love," anyone?) 'til very recently.

I love The Cult. Love 'em.

But this is a waste of my motherfuckin' time.

Sorry, Ian. Sorry, Billy. But honestly... "Dudes, what THE FUCK?" It's just one cliche after another. After another, after another. After another.

Friend of mine, chick who writes for BillBoard emailed me because she was on tap to interview Ian Astbury about the new release. I was beside myself and she knew full-well what HUGE fan I am. Never got to ask the questions I would have asked. Perils of time and alcohol I guess. When I had to blaze outta NYC for a little while, she looked after my apartment. In my apartment is a 6' x 4' poster of Sonic Temple framed, under glass. Cost a fortune. She had to look at that all the time for however long... she knew I was a fan. Oh, yeah.

She wanted to know what I thought of the new disc (which hadn't come out yet); I didn't have it. RoadRunner seemed to have some problems getting it to me. It's like that, shit happens. I finally got it...

Like most people, I had heard the single, "Dirty Little Rockstar". I'm of a certain age and all I could think was, "Wow. I forgot about that Rolling Stones song…"

That song... was called "Undercover of the Night." Not a bad song, really. Came after the Stones did Tattoo You, which, in my opinion, was their last great record. The Stones were/are great and whatever... but when The Cult actually went Electric way back when (following the UH-MAZING record called Love), a lot of people, Rolling Stone-journalist-types, called them out for ripping off "Start Me Up." The Cult really arrived when they released "Love Removal Machine" but the similarities were there. Well, it was the 80s...we all wanted ROCK back then and, hey- you know- good for The Cult.

But now I'm a bit older and wondering what those journalists who trashed The Cult back must have been feeling.

I'm thinking about that as I type these words, but really...what the hell happened?

They're "back together," they're "on RoadRunner," and they're.... whatever...

I should be psyched. But I'm not. I'm bummed.

They're capable of better.

Youth from Killing Joke produced this and maybe it's worth a damn to a kid or some MySpace-dweller who has never known the true majesty of this band (rhythm section notwithstanding)...but OH MY GOD this is more of a mess than a coked-up and hungover Britney Spears.

I could go on and on. Song by song and whatever. A real rock-review could take this apart and mention all the Led Zep influences, the (so-called) "return to form" and bullshit a reader to death.

But here ya go-

Track #1: "Sound of Destruction"
"Hey, guess what? We've been listening to 'She Wants Revenge' so much and since we ditched Rick Rubin, Bob Rock and Bruce Fairbairn...

Track #2: "Savages" ,br> "Ooh. Someone's read 'Siddartha' and someone else thinks 'Ceremony' wasn't experimental enough...

Track #3: "TIger In The Sun"
"HI. We loved 'Houses of the Holy' so much. And PS- we're GAY."

Track #4: "Illuminated"
This is what filler sounds like. Enjoy!

Track #5: "I, Assassin"
Darryl Stingley and anyone with 20 bucks are the REAL victims here...

Track #6: "Holy Mountain"
Yeah, it's really called this. Great title. Another great title might have been, "Hi. I'm Ian and I love anything Zen or Buddha-esque. Also, I forgot where I put my iPod, but I'm pretty sure the Doors box-set is on it. I also love to say 'wild' more than anyone else, because I'm a motorcycle-loving motherfucker!"

Track #7 "Dirty LIttle Rockstar"
"Hi. Billy here. Ian's got some great commentary and I have this killer riff. Uh, also, I shot my wad on 'Circus Diablo' and now I'm spent."

Track #8 "Diamonds"
Hey guess what? Youth from Killing Joke and whatever the fuck else was all about this song. It's totally a single! And it's like disco and rock together! Ian actually says 'Front' because that's what the kids say!" Paul Simon... eat your heart out!

Track #9 "Citizens"
"Hey, ya know what? If we re-work 'Big Neon Glitter' and Ian puts some crazy-funky hipster lyrics on it, we'll have another single! I bet we can get him to reference the Doors on this song... (because he never does that)!"

Track #10: Born Into This
Yeah. Hi. We all heard your self-titled 1994 disc. There were two or three good songs on that, and there's less on this. But, hey- since you were born into this no one clearly knows what the fuck they're talking about. But anyone with a halfway decent Stones collection will recognize that 'Heartbreaker' was, in fact, a truly excellent song. Especially because of the backup vox. Ann Wilson was great.

Yeah...This whole record is about one song, "Dirty Little Rockstar" and the whole beat/guitar-riff is a total fuckup, a mindlessly boring cover-band-goes-ape kinda shitty tune. Oh, yeah, it's something. But, if you came looking for anything close to as cool as that is, you're out 20 bucks. It's pretty much one cliche after another. Led Zep ripoffs, pseudo-psychedelia and cheesy neo-Zen lyrics. Better to get yourself an "I Saw The Dali Lahma And All I Got Was This Fucking T-Shirt!" and check out "Presence" and any Rolling Stones disc from 71-84. This is the bottom-of-the-barrel for The Cult.

And I'm pissed. And any Cult fan should be pissed, too. And the artwork..? Can we just have a moment to consider how most kindergarten juice-boxes have better layouts than this fucking piece of shit?

You want a real Cult record, check out Love; Electric; Sonic Temple; The Cult;" and Beyond Good And Evil.

And go see 'em live. They always slow down the cool stuff, but they're still pretty cool and very enjoyable live.

Ian still sounds great, so there's that. Something to believe in until they get their shit together.

Pass on this and go listen to the old stuff or the new Monster Magnet.

Way to come out swinging, Cult. I'm going to go listen to some old John Fogerty, some old Led Zep, some old CULT and try to forget about this.

RoadRunner is going to blacklist me. I don't care: if I die soon at least I'll know that I didn't fuck anyone over about this piece of shit record. Ripping off Zeppelin, ripping off the Doors, ripping off others…

Way to go Cult, way to fucking go... you used to be cool.

0 Stars.

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Born Into This is available in the KNAC.COM More Store. Click here to purchase your copy.